Sunday, May 11, 2008

Projects and Letdowns

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I am in that state that, for me, always follows a massive project. Inevitably, my whole system is thrown out of whack by the sudden withdrawal from the extreme doses of adrenalin that coursed through my body during the encounter. While at work on the assignment, my concentration is honed to a fine point. Everything I see, read, or hear seems related to the endeavor and I exist in a heightened state. Distractions either become another way of seeing what must be seen in order to complete the task, or they are dispatched and forgotten. Physical problems are suppressed and I reach down deep (or way up high) someplace beyond the problems for strength, or freedom from pain or diversion, and forge ahead. Real-life problems and worries get pushed under the proverbial rug. The reserves of energy and clarity that are called in to play produce a sense of heightened abilities and an increased awareness that, for a time, make almost anything seem possible.

Finally, when the work is done, the plunge back to normalcy—that let down or falling back to earth—many of us feel after completing a sizable creative endeavor is very real for me. You would think I would be better at managing it, since I have lived with it (off of it, for it, whatever) most of my life. Unfortunately, I am only marginally better at managing my energies now than I was when I first began participating in theatre and enduring the letdown that inevitably ensued as soon as the curtain fell on the final performance.

SoFoBoMo has had that effect on me. This isn’t a complaint. I am thoroughly delighted that I took part and wouldn’t take it back for anything. What I learned was, for me, the equivalent of a one-month crash course through a year’s worth of information. I will be profiting by the experience and blessing it for years to come. Still, it’s there—the sense of being a bit at loose ends—that space where all that energy was created and spent feels particularly empty right now.

This time around all these feelings are compounded by some other issues. Since we are in limbo—neither here nor there—moving supposedly, yet there is no movement—the lostness is intensified. Having only recently given up running my studio plays into this, of course. With teaching those very personal classes, I always had several creative projects I was juggling. After all, each actor was a work in progress and my contribution in guidance was part of a long-term creative project that was never really complete and produced a steady stream of challenge and frustration tempered with satisfaction and encouragement. Thus, for me, another project is a matter of survival. I can’t control that potential buyer out there who is going to buy our house. I can’t begin the next adventure until I am physically in that place.

My way of dealing with this lostness, was to begin a project and see if I can make something. (I have already mentioned my secret.) Sure enough,the work—the intense focus is pushing me through this period and taking my mind off things I can't control. Somewhere along the way my family came up with a silly saying when I was growing up. I have no earthly idea where it came from, but when someone was doing something not really responsible, or even harmlessly foolish, one of us (in the beginning one of my parents, probably) would say with a grin, “Well, at least it keeps him out of the pool halls.”
So here I am. At least I won’t be hanging out in any pool halls for the next couple of weeks.

5 comments:

  1. I've read your post a couple of times, but had to delay on posting until I had something to say. :-)

    I can certainly understand your feelings, as I have the same, and, like you, I knew that this time would come. I've mentioned it before, but one of the movies that I really like is The Peaceful Warrior. It really does well about describing this type of thing and why reaching the end is always anticlimactic. It's the whole journey thing that is fun. It certainly is tiring, but it is fun.

    I'm about to embark on a week long journey to Utah to visit Zion, the North Rim, and other places. I was thinking about doing a book of my travels, but we'll have to see. I'd have to start it right away because, if not, then I probably won't start it. :-)

    I'm really curious about your next project. I'm looking forward to seeing it. I'll bet that you are enjoying doing it.

    Stay away from those pool halls!

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  2. Paul, it's fairly apparent isn't it, that so many of us have gotten rather quiet and are resting after an exhausting and exciting journey? I suppose your wonderful trip to Utah will do for you what my project is doing for me: provide a more low-key journey that acts as a transitional phase. How lovely that you won't be under any pressure to do a book of your travels. That is a gorgeous place and I know you will soak up its beauty and inspiration. I look forward to seeing some photos.

    Since I need to complete my project by around the 20th, soon we will all know how well I succeeded.

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  3. "Since I need to complete my project by around the 20th, soon we will all know how well I succeeded."

    Anita, in my book, you've already succeeded by just getting it started!

    I hope to get out of this post book funk soon. It's starting to bother me a bit. :-)

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  4. Paul, it is really difficult balancing all this, isn't it? I firmly believe that it isn't wise to rush the recovery. I'm convinced that in this mildly unpleasant state, with nothing tangible being accomplished, our unconscious is busy processing the piles of data accumulated during the encounter. I am even a little concerned that by taking on this project I may be interfering with that process even though sooner or later I have to "come down". But, this deadline date isn't negotiable. I have to hope I am not staying so busy that I produce too much "static" and botch the "data processing".

    On the other hand, we can't stay in recovery forever. There aren't any easy answers. Having the income cut to deal with means you are already facing a major distraction. You accomplished something wonderful by pouring your full self into it; now, you have to refill that reservoir. I have a feeling the sights in Utah will do much to restore your spirit. You can't view those amazing spires reaching up,trying to touch God's face and not be inspired.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Paul, it is really difficult balancing all this, isn't it? I firmly believe that it isn't wise to rush the recovery. I'm convinced that in this mildly unpleasant state, with nothing tangible being accomplished, our unconscious is busy processing the piles of data accumulated during the encounter. I am even a little concerned that by taking on this project I may be interfering with that process even though sooner or later I have to "come down". But, this deadline date isn't negotiable. I have to hope I am not staying so busy that I produce too much "static" and botch the "data processing".

    On the other hand, we can't stay in recovery forever. There aren't any easy answers. Having the income cut to deal with means you are already facing a major distraction. You accomplished something wonderful by pouring your full self into it; now, you have to refill that reservoir. I have a feeling the sights in Utah will do much to restore your spirit. You can't view those amazing spires reaching up,trying to touch God's face and not be inspired.

    ReplyDelete

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Anita