Anxiety Clogs

(Click on the thumbnail for the bigger, better version)

Is there any doubt that anxiety clogs up the arteries in the creative system? Recently, I have had something to say each day (not necessarily something that needed to be said, but something I was quite willing to prattle on about). Just a few hours of real world fears, and the system groans to a standstill. Now, the debris will have to make its way through, before ideas flow again.

Fate Has a Sense of Humor

(Click on the thumbnail for the bigger, better version)

It’s a rather cruel twist of fate that I got interested in photography. I hadn’t realized that it is a field ideally suited, in many ways, for engineers, computer programmers, and other folks with minds that work in what I find to be wondrous and mysterious ways—ways that I can’t begin to fathom. I remember well what a dreadful shock it was when I discovered that using a camera involves constant encounters with (shudder) mathematics.

Like many others, I’m guessing, who became interested in photography after the digital age was in full swing, I began shooting almost exclusively in Auto mode. Soon, I became dissatisfied with the photographs I got when I left all the decisions to the Canon A70. I developed a keen curiosity about all those other modes that promised better pictures. Talk about naïve. I had no idea that my curiosity would plunge me into a world of swarming with numbers.

Fortunately, or unfortunately (the latter would be in terms of eventual damage to the family budget), The Husband’s youthful years spent in photography school encouraged my belief that I could move beyond Auto and explore the wonderful world of manual mode. After all, I was fortunate enough to have an in-house instructor. But, as soon as I began quizzing the teacher for help, I was stopped in my tracks. When The Husband began to explain terms, my head started to spin and my ears began to ring, He wouldn’t stop spouting numbers—numbers, and more numbers. Every question I asked set him off with the numbers. Numbers everywhere I turned. Aperture? Numbers. And the numbers are upside down, for crying out loud. To get more light you dial in a lower number. Now, that is perverse. Early on, that one put a real kink in my learning curve. Shutter speed and ISO? Stop the numbers, please. You get into flash and all anyone talks about is those infernal numbers. There seem to be no numbers-free zones when comes to operating the camera.

I should tell you that I have never been fond of numbers. Don’t know why. Can’t explain it. Never flunked a math class. Never was humiliated by a math teacher. Makes no sense. I remember clearly coming home from school one day, soon after starting second grade, and announcing to my mother that I wasn’t any good at math. She stared at me with disbelief and said, “How do you know? You haven’t even taken a math class.” I don’t recall knowing how I knew, but I was certain of my facts. Depending upon your philosophy about these things, you may think that because I believed that I wouldn’t be good at math, I created the problem for myself. Or, you may believe that I was precocious for my age and could see the future. Naturally, I prefer the latter interpretation.

Now, I add, subtract, divide and multiply just fine. But, that’s where it stops, thank you. I made A’s in the math classes that I had to take to go to college—but it was only because I was good at memorizing facts. I never had a clue when it came to the actual practical uses of math beyond balancing a checkbook—one of the truly odious tasks in life. I dutifully memorized the material, and then the day after the tests everything I had memorized drained out of my brain leaving behind a fully restored numbers-free zone.

All that math presented a rigorous test of my newly discovered passion and, more than once, I was tempted to abandon the entire venture. I wanted to make pictures; I didn’t want to go back to memorizing math formulas. To this day, anytime I read an article, or a section of a book, wherein the author veers off into helpful rules for shutter speed proportional to lens length, formulas to memorize that will serve as a starting point for exposure in specific types of circumstances, or flash speed sync my brain threatens to lock. I still have to fight the impulse to simply skip over those paragraphs.

And it’s a good thing that I have fought that desire to bail out, because I can tell that a little of the information has seeped into some remote portion of my consciousness. I still couldn’t quote the formulas, and if you quizzed me on any of the “rules”, I would humiliate myself. However, I can see that gradually I have learned to work a little faster and a little more efficiently, even it is all about those icky little numbers. I suppose that exposure (no pun intended) to all those formulas has made a difference—even if they do strike fear in my heart.

Veteran’s Day Thoughts

(Click on the thumbnail for the bigger, better version)

In my mind, two of our most important holidays of the year fall in November—Veteran’s Day and Thanksgiving. It is symptomatic of our current culture that these two observations, both of which ask us to be grateful for what we have and to express our thanks to those who made it possible, are mostly ignored. Part of the crush has come from Halloween, an occasion that once belonged to children, but has lately been hijacked by adults eager to abandon responsibility in favor of frivolity and make-believe (along with the right to appear on others doorsteps and demand favors). On the other side, it’s Christmas—a holiday that has, for too many, increasingly devolved into not much more than a shopping spree that creates year-long debt accompanied by anxiety and family tensions. Then, of course, there’s New Year’s with thoughtful celebrations revolving around far too much food and drink, as well as uplifting experiences such as football, keg parties, and hangovers.

I certainly am exposing the old curmudgeon side of my nature here, but these things bother me. Our lives are barren without gratitude, and it saddens me to see this human virtue losing ground to the “gimme” attitude—the notion that because I want it, I am entitled to get it, and someone had better give it to me, now— that is celebrated non-stop in popular culture.

Okay, enough moaning. (I really am not some dour Puritan throwback who deplores fun and celebrating life. Veteran’s Day just seems to do this to me.) I do want to say a big “Thank You!” to all the men and women who have served our country. We owe you a debt of gratitude that we can never repay. Please accept my heartfelt appreciation. When I say my prayers tonight, I will ask to be more deserving of your sacrifices.

In case you are in the mood for a post that honors our veterans, but has a more for uplifting tone—and who wouldn’t be, check Beau Harbin’s post for today.

Morning Walks

(Click on the thumbnail for the bigger, better version)

During the summer and autumn mornings, we got out for walks. I often slipped out very early by myself. Unfortunately, it's getting more and more difficult to drag me away from the nice warm house in the wee hours.

The houses up the ridges (such as the one pictured above) got some light snow yesterday. But, I didn't brave the wind and sleet down here to take photos of the scenes. I think I will have plenty more opportunities for shooting snow scenes. Maybe by next winter I will toughen up a bit and get out in the weather more. (Here's a tip: Don't lay any bets on that one.)

Before I return to early morning walks, I have to order a spare battery for the 20D and 40D. I will want to carry one battery in a nice warm pocket, so I can switch out periodically. I just remembered that last winter I bought some of those nifty hand warmers. That will help. (Provided I can find them.) Now, I just need toe warmers and a nose warmer.

Did I mention how cozy warm it is in here when the sun is coming up and there's a layer of frost on the grass? Besides, afternoon walks are lovely.

Stormy Nights and Rainy Days

(Click on the thumbnail for the bigger, better version)

It's cold, wet, and windy in Bear Valley Springs. I slept through the thunder and lightning last night (this house has soundproofing that is almost too effective), but The Husband was wakened (he sleeps on the window side) and told me what I had missed. Today there is snow up on the ridges surrounding the valley. Down here it's all about mud. What happened to autumn?!

If I can't discipline myself to buckle down and clean for the houseguests arriving Saturday, it would be a lovely day for some more experimenting inside with my macro lens. Hmmm.

Simple Things

(Click on the thumbnail for the bigger, better version)

I wouldn’t mind having a great deal of money to spend on luxuries—mostly the portion I spent on myself would go to camera equipment, but I find great pleasure in simple things. Long ago, The Husband learned that when we took walks together, we often came home with bundles of fascinating twigs, pieces of bark dropped by the trail, berries, grasses, interesting rocks, bouquets of “weeds”, or pine cones.

Did you know that unused file cabinet drawers make excellent storage places for dozens and dozens of pine cones? Yes. It’s the perfect solution when you run out of baskets or space on the mantel. To The Husband’s bewilderment, I probably have one of the finest collections of pine cones on the west coast. You just never know when you will want another and different size pine cone to add to a display.

Our latest collectible item is feathers. With all the beautiful hawks and a number of other birds here, it’s no surprise that we sometimes find a feather near the trail. The Husband, is always the one who spots the prize and, for my tastes, the gift ranks right up there with those pricey roses.

Recently, I mentioned that some days I may be just innocently passing through a room on my way to take care of some honorable chore—you know taking care of business, and bam! Suddenly, I’m reaching for a camera because the light is sweet—or just because I have found such pleasure in one of the simple things in our home, and for no real reason I want to record what I see.

Simple things for simple minds, I suppose.

Big Sky Country

(Click on the thumbnail for the bigger, better version)

I love seeing a great expanse of sky—blue sky, purple sky, pink sky, yellow sky, cloudy sky, rainy sky, starry sky, dark sky, bright sky, even gray sky—any type of sky. The first time I visited New York City—having traveled there from central Texas where the horizons are low, low, low—I felt imprisoned in those canyons of skyscrapers. I couldn’t imagine how humans could survive, much less thrive, when they could see only occasional glimpses of a postage stamp-sized sky.

Now I have discovered photography and when I review any two or three folders of my pictures, I am reminded that I will never outgrow my fondness for big open skies stretching over me. One of the major reasons that I am confident of making a happy transition to life in Bear Valley Springs is the abundance of sky.

I enjoyed learning that when the Bear Valley Springs development was first set up as a vacation retreat in the 1970’s, the first choice for a name was, Big Sky. Unfortunately, before that was made official, Montana was given its nickname and that’s how we came to be Bear Valley Springs. As much as I would love to have a wonderful trophy shot of one of California’s brown bears, I haven’t seen any bears here. And, that’s just dandy with me. But, on a daily basis, I look up at the vast sky stretching from low horizon to low horizon and I drink in the beauty of it.

Undoubtedly, my blog will be regularly punctuated with pictures of big sky.

Feathering My Nest

(Click on the thumbnail for a bigger, better version)

For the last few days, I have had to spend portions of each day being Susie Homemaker. This has put a serious crimp in my photography time, but those boxes don't seem to be motivated to unpack themselves. Soon those stacks of full boxes will progress from being mildly embarrassing to humiliating.

Furthermore, the mess of cardboard boxes reminds me of the chaos in my photography work flow. I am coming to grips with the desperate need for improvement in that department. Because I get interested in a couple of new shots, I rush past all the steps I know I should follow. Sometimes I don't batch rename, but plunge into processing one shot that offers some promise. Most often, before I come close to naming, ranking, keywording, and backing up a shoot I have grabbed that card again to rush outside for a few more shots. It doesn't take long for that to produce a real tangle of unmarked shots that will be nearly impossible to find later.

Between the chaos in my file system and the cardboard boxes, I have a great deal of clean-up work ahead of me. But, then today while in the midst of organizing a section of files, I made a trip to the kitchen for a glass of water and lo, and behold, before I knew what hit me, I had a camera in my hand. I hope I'm not going to need an exorcism for these demons that take over my body!

Kreativ Blogger Award

(Please click on the thumbnail for the larger version)

The latest talk in the corner of the blogosphere that I frequent is The Kreativ Blogger Award. Andreas Manessinger offers a description of the award and the spirit in which it is passed along. If you haven't already, visit Andreas' site. Be prepared to be stunned by his beautiful work.

Late Tuesday, I learned that Paul Lester has passed the torch to six more bloggers, including yours truly. I am honored and delighted.

Now, it’s my turn to list six things that make me happy and then list six bloggers who deserve the award. What? Only six things that make me happy?
Okay, here are six of the many things:

- My husband’s smile.

- Learning something new.

- Watching the light of discovery go on in someone else's eyes.

- Sunrises and sunsets. (That only counts as one. Really, check the rules.)

- Long walks with lots of stops for taking pictures.

- Being the first one up in the morning and enjoying the solitude.

This is tough, because I just got started and I didn’t get to list: sunshine, finding a new friend, the sight of a horse running free, the feel of dog’s tongue when it licks your face, watching and listening to the Kern River tumbling down from the mountains, the comfort of my home with all my flea market treasures in place, or even the taste of chocolate. Oh, well.

Listing six bloggers who deserve special recognition was even trickier. First of all, Paul Lester has already listed many of my favorites and I can’t just copy his list. Besides, there are more names I would add. I don’t always leave comments at these blogs, but I aim to be better in the future. Because I am such a newbie at all this, I am regularly awed by the amount of time people are willing to spend sharing with others as well as the sheer volume of information and guidance made available. Sometimes, I still shake my head in wonder.

- Doug Stockdale at Singular Images. I began following Doug’s blog soon after I started blogging and have marveled at his productivity and evolution. He supplies information, inspiration, and personal reflection.

- Laurie Jackson at Capture This. Laurie’s site has long been a favorite of mine. Her photos are gorgeous and full of all the feeling she has for her family and the world she sees.

- Niels Henriksen, My Camera World. Niels provides detailed posts packed with ideas and inspiration. His occasional travel photographs alone are a reason to stop by.

- Beau Harbin’s blog at Beau Harbin Photography. I am enjoying following Beau’s journey and watching his photography grow. Meanwhile, his style has an ease and a wonderful down-home feeling that is irresistible to me. It’s obvious that he photographs with his heart.

- Mark S Johnson, recently of Radiant Vista, deserves kudos for his amazing output of information-packed tutorials. His CS3 tutorials saved my sanity.

- Sean McCormick at Neutral Hills Still will probably send me hate mail for putting him on this list. He is taking a short break at the moment to recover from some surgery and probably won’t be able to participate. Still, I couldn’t omit Sean. His blunt and passionate writing (occasional though it may be) fires me up, and his photographs are breathtaking.

It may not be within the spirit of the rules, but I have to list some folks that have already been named. (I am not certain whether the idea is to broaden the scope of the list and keep adding new recipients.) All these people are Kreativ Bloggers who have greatly influenced me and provide daily inspiration as well as guidance.

- Paul Lester (There is a reason his name keeps coming up on these lists.) When I spend time at Paul's site, I always feel as if I have sat down on a park bench beside him for a nice chat. And, after the visit, I'm a little wiser and I feel better about my day.

- Gordon McGregor Don’t let the sparse posts recently fool you. Gordon is normally prolific—sharing inspiration and information. I miss him when he’s quiet.

- Amy Sakurai defies a brutal schedule to create engaging work, delivered with an openness about the role of photography in her life.

- Mark Graf doesn’t post often enough for me, but that’s only because I enjoy so much everything he does post.

- Colin Jago is so smart he intimidates me a bit. Sometimes, I read his posts and it takes a while for my head to stop spinning. Still, early on—when I first discovered blogging, I devoured every word I could find on his site.

- Paul Butzi is, well, Paul Butzi. Paul’s site was the gateway, for me, to the blogosphere. Somehow, by incredible good fortune, I stumbled onto his site near the start, and a whole new world opened. I found many of the bloggers listed above through his site and still need my dose of Paul B. each day. His passion, knowledge, creativity, honesty, talent, and occasional delicious crankiness are all a source of joy. Besides, he brought us SoFoBoMo.

Thanks to all these creative and generous people, I learn something every day; and, I am constantly reminded that there are kind-hearted, creative, passionate people all over the world facing the same challenges and disappointments that we all confront.

Shooting More – Posting Less

(Please click on the thumbnail for the larger version)

We are up here in the clouds today. It’s cold, windy, and—for much of the morning—visibility has been only a memory.

Many photographers thrive on rainy days and can’t wait to get out and about with their cameras. I tend to get reflective. That has always been my pattern. I’m sure it has to do with having lived, all my life, in sunny climes with long stretches of rain being an anomaly, rather than the norm. Raindrops on my window pane make me want to sit quietly—maybe with a hot drink, to contemplate the light filtering through the water while allowing my mind to wander aimlessly about—picking up and discarding random threads of thought that meander into focus.

This morning I have been thinking about where I am with photography (as well as the election—well, who hasn’t been thinking about the latter.) Lately, I have been taking more pictures than I ever have. Rarely a day goes by that I don’t have my camera out and working, and could post a photo-a-day with only rare lapses. Yet, I am posting a smaller and smaller percentage of my shots. It’s partly about distractions and finding time to put up posts, but mostly it’s about my dissatisfaction with what I produce. Yes, I am slowly improving technically. I have fewer shots that are woefully under or over-exposed. My horizon lines are more consistently straight. Even though my progress is slow and frustrating, I see some small improvement in compositions. The problem is that my technical skills grow at a pace that lags woefully behind that of my ambitions. Shots that I would have happily posted even six months ago dishearten me now.

My choice is to continue posting images that I am not happy with, because I refuse to give myself permission to hide and wait, until I am ready before I post my photos. I know well that dark side of my nature—the part of me that wants to wait until I have something that I'm proud of, before I make it public. From the beginning, the reason for this blog was to thwart that dark side. Posting in spite of my disappointments with what I have shot is a form of discipline for me. It motivates me to take a closer look at the shots I take and short-circuits the impulse to dump the entire card in disgust and disappointment. Looking at the shots and forcing myself to choose the best of the sorry lot encourages me to acknowledge my small steps forward and that motivates me to keep trying.

Fortunately for me, while my resolve to persevere waivers, it shows no signs of a full breakdown. Continuing to post pictures that clearly reveal my work-in-progress standing is making me stronger.